5 decades thank you for the heartfelt sharing.
I have a curiosity because a perspective is missing from me. I am man, so I miss the female perspective of how betrayal impacts you.
I believe that the process of discovery and betrayal itself is pretty similar no matter if you are a man or a woman, from what I read we all go through the same pain and reality shattering trauma.
Also the betrayal that broke me was 7 years before our marriage, she did not have any PA since our wedding, but the wounds from before were just hidden, not healed. With the caveat that afaik I still do not have the proof if she had any PA after marriage (unsure yet, so the instinct assumes the worst case scenario as default, until she regain enough trust at least), later DDAys were recent when she opened up, but I knew it in my guts. So I 'technically' miss the perspective of betrayed spouse, perhpas it feels different, perhaps no.
But I am curious about the aftermath, when you try reconciliation.
I know she does look up to me for being her safe center, the person she can trust and crush when emotions overwhelm her, she feels safe when I take the lead and basically make her feel every day as "I got your back". Feeling that by the way I lost towards her, when she "had my back" she stabbed it, when I needed her the most she was not there, and when I was in the abyss of trauma, depression and PTSD she had contempt and disgust.
It is normal for a woman who loves you to feel that way and hope you are there for her everyday. Her emotional wiring requires it to feel safe.
I wonder if betrayed women have it worse when in reconciliation: can you still "look up" to your man and feel this kind of safety? That "he has your back" and your nerve system can relax with him?
Since I asked that I could also give you my understanding of how the betrayal feels from a masculine perspective (other BH could add to it or feel differently) but it might be of insight for BW and WW who are trying to R:
Men have a biological programming of 'mate protection', when you commit to a female that kicks in, is the only way nature had to ensure your offspring was yours so this is something written in our biology way before words and rational thoughts even existed.
This is also the reason why, while we are happy to have sex with as many women as possible when single, we find it hard to commit to one (aka falling in love). The first one is biology and survival strategy, the second is even more important because you 'vet' potential 'partner for life'.
Only when a woman makes your instinct "feel safe" that she is capable of exclusive commitment with a single partner (you) and able to give up other sexual encounters, then your nerve system allows for you to attach emotionally and fully commit to her.
When you commit to her, she is always considered a "high value woman" to your emotional and nerve system.
That is "falling in love" you form a bond and your natural polygamous drive gets suppressed and you are driven towards monogamy (from 'spread your genes' to 'form and protect your tribe' biological programming).
Is both nature and psychology, we are neither as a baseline, circumstances allow one state or the other to emerge.
-- this may shed some light on the general confusion many women have about male behavior, because we work differently but is very predictable when you know it--
(I suspect the above could also be a factor contributing in the behavior of some Wayward Men, once faithful. Not the only one but in some instances. I do not know, I will let them to pitch in if they feel like it matters)
So you committed and she betrays you, she has sex with another man or wants to.
The natural pain of the betrayal we all universally know well is obviously here but there is more. I will try to explain it in a way that might help feminine understanding. Several things break in your masculine identity:
-- Existential and genetic survival -- you immediately lose the security of your offspring, present past and future. Your 'mate protection' failed, so your body and instincts immediately put everything into question. If you have children they might be not yours. If she is expecting most definitively you feel is not yours. Your future plans for children disappear. She may still carry your baby one day, but it will be forever tainted with the shadow of infidelity and doubt. It is not rational, even if you have DNA proof the instincts will forever scream that doubt in your heart. Since that moment, that core pillar of the relationship is dust emotionally. Gone forever.
-- Loss of hierarchy and status -- Male social circle works through instinctive boundaries and direct competition.
You face other men directly, establishing what is yours, theirs, what are the borders, and who has the strength and fight to take and defend their "territory" and "tribe" (we speak of biology and primal instincts here, obviously in the civilized world that means 'belongings' and 'family', but all human society stems from those basic principles).
So when men meet there is always an open confrontation, it can result in 2 outcomes: one is mutual respect, even friendship, when you respect or even feel the pull to protect the other men's boundaries and 'tribe' (or even "join it" in the case of friendship). The second is rivalry, competition and overt fight (each one tries to conquer the other's boundaries. Still, often there is some level of respect here too).
It is a primitive anthropological description, we still see this everyday. It's part of the human animal, this how men move through life.
That's also why emotional containment is biologically very developed in males. Sense of humor and de escalation or emotional neutrality are a healthy requirement for survival, or else we would be fighting and killing each other at the first misstep of crossing or even touching another man's boundary (no matter if intentional or not, humor serves both as a warning and a de escalation tool).
No matter the direct competition, there is always an unwritten rule that describe male's "honor" in this field. It must be open, clean, at the light of the sun.
Treachery, lies and backstabbing is frowned universally because that is how weak men act to 'steal' from 'higher status' men. You consider those men disgusting, unworthy, cowards, they are not even men, they are rats and worms.
You will see no problems with 2 single men competing for one woman, as long as it is open and out in the clear, they are both rivals but they will respect each other even if only one will win her heart.
But when you are betrayed, the sting is different and devastating: the OM acted cowardly, he is a rat and a worm not a "worthy rival", he is the most disgusting weak thief. And she chose him over you.
She is your mate, the one who you are committed to. She is not just another woman, but an extension of your 'self' the nucleus of your entire world and future. Ans your nature feels this: she preferred a 'low status weak man' to you, to replace your offspring with his. This makes you 'lower value' you lose your place in the universe, your entire hierarchy is gone, your status is gone, forever lowered below the OM (see below).
-- Low self-worth -- You lost your status because she, an extension of you established it by betraying you with the OM.
The natural consequence from the above, is that you emotionally rearrange your entire understanding of your place in the world as lower than the lowest (the OM, as perceived by innate male psychological social structure). That's the psychological driver that crushes you on every aspect of your life, in addition to the pain your reality, all your achievements, all your drive, you identity, everything it once was "you" dies in that moment along with the rest of the emotions. You might become numb, you definitively become emotinally unstable, you lose your masculine center, emotional containment.
-- Injustice and primal rage -- - When your chosen woman betrays you, in her mind she is treating you as an option, but in yours and the OM mind something else is going on.
- The OM feels an ego boost because he conquered someone else's partner, so he feels 'elevated socially' (he is not, this is universally felt as predatory, disgusting and untrustworthy, but he still feels like he won, because she chose him over another man). He may ever treat her as a trophy or disposable trash. is a spite towards him more than her.
Men generally do not look to other Wayward Men very highly, because the act of betraying your woman is 'bad' but are prone to understand that they might have slipped or had a moment of weakness, so it is 'excusable' to some extent, as long as they plan to start walking straight (if they do not, then their status perception is lowered), but when it comes to comparisons with the OM in a betrayal is night and day. The OM is instinctively seen as a worm, a weak, treacherous thief. There is no sympathy because this is and act of weakness and the deepest treachery a male can do to another male (not even murder is perceived so lowly, he is lower than the low, on par with rapists and child abusers).
So She replaced you with this OM and elevated him over you (or crushed you below this guy). Along with the pain and grief, a primal rage for the sense of injustice is emerging and exploding inside you. She, the person that you elevated above any other female, just decided that you are worth below the scum of the Earth. Your dignity can't just take it, you feel a primitive pull to restore justice (the primal instinct towards the OM is homicidal, tribal justice, no matter how civilized that pull is ancestral). Since we are beyond the barbaric era, that pull will have to be suppressed (even if sometimes still happens) and the anger will linger and eat you alive.
-- Emotional self projection-- - she does not get off the judgement and the anger, you know IT WAS HER CHOICE, so all these emotions are resentment get naturally directed on her. But that is temporary, as it is in conflict with the deep feelings of Love and commitment you have for her. They do not go away so easily. So our psyche does something that gives you the final blow and kills you for good:
She is your beloved partner --> you love her no matter what she did --> you cannot hate her as you feel --> you trusted her, you felt it, that was real it was not wrong --> she must have seen you have become extremely weak, disgusting, unworthy, that's why she drifted instead of leaving you first, she lost respect for you --> you are the cause of everything --> you deserved it, you allowed it to happen by becoming worthless --> you collect or the feeling of anger and injustice addressed to her and redirect it at yourself, projecting it against you --> she gets 'partially forgiven' you are now the main culprit --> the spiral begins.
There might be more but this is how male psychology self-sabotages you when you get betrayed. Being left and heartbroken is bad enough, but acceptable and allows you to move on. Betrayal fucking sucks because you go through this hell already at the start of the A, or when you D.
And that's just the beginning, then there is the rest we all know following up. You can get over these wounds, I am not sure they can ever completely heal even if you R though.
Hopefully this perspective helps the other sex to feel what it feels like, and to help your partner overcome it.
