SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't have a prayer and hope this is ok, but I do have a question for the posters on this thread. I was raised as a Christian in so much as I went to a Church of England school and went church through school and girl guides. I turned to religion in times of trouble and found comfort praying when I was pregnant, christening my children and marrying in a church. I am not sure whether I ever truly believed but I wasn't sure I didn't either!
Since DD I have leant towards forgiveness and redemption for my husband, and my therapist, who is from a faith based background herself, believes I'm searching for something more to life and spirituality. I think this is true to some extent but I don't even know where to start. I think it must be so comforting to have faith and I wish I could have that comfort too.
Does anyone how any advice about how to explore this? Or any books to read? Happy to receive DMs if people prefer so I'm not thread jacking. Thank you.

Hi Evio, you are very welcome to the prayer thread! What a wonderful question, thank you for asking! I hope that others answer as well.

I think the most important thing for someone who is searching is to pray. Even if you are not sure what to believe, even if it's just in a benevolent creator, put words to your thoughts in the presence of someone who will listen to you. There's the acronym ACTS to help remember types of prayer: adoration ("you are a God who cares about me even when I'm not paying attention to you!"), confession, thankfulness, supplication ("please send resources or people to me as I try to get to know you better.")

Another good thing is just what you are doing, ask people about their faith. You'll find that different people have many different things that support them in their faith and some wonderful things to share with you, but they might not be a good fit at this point in your life. I have a friend in a prayer group who loves a daily Lectio and I've tried it a few times and it's just not for me. But I keep it in the back of my mind because maybe someday, it will be! And ask people who have faith to pray with you and for you.

I assume you are in the UK (girl guides), have you tried the Alpha class?

These are some things that have helped me immensely at different points: John Eldredge and especially the book Ransomed Heart, The Bible Project podcasts, Tim Keller's sermons and especially the series on forgiveness and on using reason to evaluate the claims of Christianity, all of CS Lewis's works and especially Mere Christianity and the Problem of Pain, The Greatest Thing in the World (a sermon by Drummond, worth re-reading once a month), the daily message on the YouVersion app (I used to do that every single day and now not so much. There are seasons). Bible study groups, prayer groups, Torah study. Memorizing the Psalms when I need to quiet my mind, singing hymns to myself, practicing radical honesty and forgiveness. Finding a church that is a good fit (it took a while, I spent a two years in one church then hopped around a bit and finally settled, now I lead the weekly bible study). So many things.

Father, please bless the search of your child Evio as you begins to look for you. She wants the comfort that faith can bring her. I know that you are right there ready for anyone who turns to you. Please speak to her in exactly the way she can hear, so that she is strengthened and continues in this journey.

Acts 17 27 God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.

I think this is true to some extent but I don't even know where to start.

It might sound too simple...but all you need to do is think about what you would say to God if He was sitting next to you . That's all prayer is. YOU may not know where to start, but God already does! Like Jesus said in Mathew 6:7-8..."7And when you pray, do not babble on like pagans, for they think that by their many words they will be heard. 8Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."

I think it must be so comforting to have faith and I wish I could have that comfort too.

My faith has gotten me through so MUCH and it truly is a huge comfort to me. I think you are right...it would be a great comfort for you too ! My H wasn't a person of faith when we met and was NOT into Catholicism. ME...I am a "Triple C"...a Cradle Catholic Cajun !!! We be SPECIAL !!

My H was raised Baptist and started reading his Bible shortly after we decided to R in order to see how he could "fix" this sin of adultery he committed. This led to him doing a daily devotional reading . I soon joined him and we have been doing a daily Bible Study now for years . Out of all of the MANY adventures and journeys we have had together...THIS faith journey has truly been the BEST one we have been on by far !!

Does anyone how any advice about how to explore this? Or any books to read?

I can let you know what we did . We started reading "Our Daily Bread" together. You can get the booklet mailed to you for free...or download the app for free on your phone. You can read a daily devotional that has an uplifting story that coincides with a Bible verse that is written by regular people like you and me . With the app you also have other "plans" which are similar to daily devotionals, but they may go for several days on a certain subject.

We also do the daily Mass reading from the Catholic publication, "The Word Among Us". YES...my H is now doing DAILY Catholic readings...go figure ! This one we get as an app as well...but we pay a yearly subscription for it . It also has small stories of faith that are uplifting but they are more Catholic leaning. IF there are any Catholics who are reading this...I also use the "Laudate" app for my private devotional . It shows the Daily Readings, The Saint of the Day, and the Reflection on the readings that I like. It also has the Catechism of the Catholic Church in it which is helpful for my weekly Catholic Bible Study at my local church .

Another app that I use for my private devotional is the "YouVersion" app . It is also a free app that offers a lot of different "plans". Several plans are for couples and my H and I went through some of them as our daily devotionals as well . What I like about the YouVersion app is that it has several different Bible versions that you can download from the app .

One of these plans in the YouVersion app led us to Kim Kimberling who has a "One Thing" email. It is a daily email that is "one thing to grow your marriage". It isn't infidelity related...more faith based related . We had it for a few years...but then it started repeating itself so we don't use the daily email anymore.

We also get Rick Warren's "Daily Hope" email that we will sometimes read as well .

Sometimes we feel that God is leading us to focus on something in particular when we see a "pattern" or "theme" emerging from these different devotionals...that is pretty cool !

Once you find something that you like then you will probably find other resources that point you to other things you would be interested in . These worked for US because they don't take long to read and yet they give us inspiration to begin our day with a smile ! We can also look for the "theme" or "pattern" during the day that God has shown us and that is always something cool for us to talk about later! God is really GOOD at things like that !!

Thanks for reaching out !!

Pippin - thank you for your reply. My therapist also suggested praying to God/creator/universe but I had no idea where to start and feel hypocritical doing it when I don't know if I truly believe. But I will try.

I've heard of Alpha courses but not seen any local. Wedo have a lovely local church in our village I've only visited once when my son sung hymns there with the school and I guess with Christmas coming up I could attend a service to see if I like it.

Thank you also for your prayer.

Want2behappyagain thank you for your reply. I like your description of praying it definitely makes it sound less daunting!

I had never considered an app could help with spirituality/faith but I've downloaded You version to see how I get on with it.

Thank you for taking the time to help me.

Evio...you're welcome . I saw that Pippin mentioned the "YouVersion" app as well...I really like the plans on it! I typed in "where do I start" and clicked on the "plans" icon...and there were lots of plans to choose from! There was even one plan called The Betrayed Wife: 6 Days of Healing. It is a 6 day plan...I don't believe it is showing that you can HEAL in 6 days...because we all know it isn't that easy! But you may find other plans on there that may help you to start on a spiritual journey that you would like to move toward .

I also read what you wrote about feeling hypocritical about praying when you don't know if you truly believe. My sweet friend Pippin will come through with a reply to you soon...but the way I see it...God has NO issue with us asking Him questions . At least I hope not because I ask a LOT of questions !!

Faith keeps coming up in your posts. Faith is really simple...but you need ONE thing...BELIEF. This was why it was hard for Jesus to perform miracles in His hometown of Nazareth. People saw Him as the carpenter's son...they couldn't believe He was the Son of God. Hebrews 11:1 talks about faith . Can you believe in the unseen? Jesus tells us in Matthew 28:20 that, "...behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." You can maybe start there . Jesus is sitting right next to you...He said He would be with you always...even though you can't see Him...just BELIEVE that He is .

The bad part about faith is that after betrayal...it is HARD to not be cynical . How can we believe in the unseen...when what we SAW right in front of us wasn't even real ? What I found was that God was even MORE real than before...and He has NEVER betrayed my trust. I can ALWAYS count on His words to be TRUE . Matthew 7:7 says it very well..."Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you".

When you ASK...be ready for God to GIVE you the answers . But will you BELIEVE it is from God...or will you think it is just a coincidence? After a while you will KNOW...there are NO coincidences !!!

ETA: You may want to google "Godwinks" . It is stories of people who have had things happen that some people COULD say would be coincidences...but they KNOW it was something that only God could have done for them !!! I BELIEVE!!!

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 4:47 PM, Wednesday, December 3rd]

Hi Evio, there is enormous space in both the old and the new testament for uncertainty, difficulty with faith, not being sure. Doubt is a normal part of faith and uncertainty is not a sin. People who have enormous faith can be troubled and become doubtful especially during very difficult parts of their lives. I do think that it would not be a good idea to cling to doubt. In Anglicanism, reason is one of the three main pillars (or whatever you call them) of theology along with scripture and tradition. So using your reason is absolutely a good idea; pray, read, worship, and consider. And please share what you discover along the way! I have my own "Godwinks" as W2BHA mentions, I don't share them or sometimes even put them into words, because it feels like sharing a secret, and some of the power whooshes away when I share, except in some sort of rare circumstances. But you will have your own, if you allow space for it.

Doubt. That can be tricky for sure . Just when you think you have things all figured out...something happens that completely scrambles everything up again . I've learned that God's ways are truly much higher than mine. He's already figured all of this out...I just need to TRUST Him . There is wisdom in that saying on here..."Letting go of the outcome". When I "Let go and Let God"...things get better .

I share my Godwinks everywhere Pippin !! That is why I can't share them on here publicly...except for the ones that are infidelity related. God is so GENEROUS and LOVING to us...and He shows us this all the time . It is truly sad that some people don't see what is right in front of them. It is like the person who laments in the song that you don't know what you have until it is gone. People take for granted the generosity and love that God gives us EVERY DAY. My H was that way. Now that he SEES it though...he can't unsee it . It truly is beautiful...and God allowed me to witness that .

I know what you mean about sharing a secret Pippin. Sometimes it feels like what Jesus said in Matthew 7:6 NIV, "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." There are "conversations" I have with God that are just between us. I trust God with ALL of my heart because I KNOW He will never forsake me.

Dear Lord, please help those who are suffering tonight. Send them peace that only You can provide. Help them see the unconditional Love You have for them and please give them the comfort they need to make it through another night. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

I have been following several plans on YouVersion for a week now and they have been really helpful especially the Betrayed Wife one and the I stayed.
I've also read a book on Mary Magdalene's gospel and listened to some podcasts and I've learnt a lot more about Jesus and the bible.

I think the biggest struggle is the concept of God, I can grasp God as the universe, nature, spirit or love. I struggle with the idea of God being a judge or in a kingdom. And what about good people, especially children, who don't believe are they judged/not saved?

As for Godwinks, my biggest belief in regard to this is I had a termination as a teenager which I didn't want and regretted but felt forced to have as I brought shame on my family. When I then met my husband, I fell pregnant, I went for the 12 week scan and was told I had had a missed miscarriage and was so distraught as I felt I deserved it for the termination and was worried I would never get pregnant again. I can't remember when I started praying but I fell pregnant again, unplanned. I went to the 12 week scan and the woman scanning me went quiet and I started crying thinking I'd miscarried again when she said 'its ok, there's two is there, I'm just checking to see if there's a third'. I prayed every night without fail then I felt like I had been given the two babies I'd lost and I made sure to give my twins Christian middle names, I got them Christened in church and went on to marry in the same church.

I'm not sure when I lost faith...I think I might have started intellectualising rather than feeling.

Evio...I am so happy you are enjoying some of the plans in YouVersion .

I am so sad to read about the loss of your babies (((HUGS))). I know loved ones who have had this happen...whichever way it happened in your circumstance...and for them it is a grief like no other . I have read stories of people who have had near death experiences and have met their sibling(s) in Heaven that they didn't know they had. When they asked about it, they found out that their parents had actually had a miscarriage or an abortion that they didn't tell anyone about. This profoundly affected not only the person who met their sibling...but the parent as well!

God's Word gives us evidence of this . In Jeremiah 1:5 ESV, God Himself tells Jeremiah, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you...". One thing we should always remember is that we are a soul...we have a body . Our body WILL die...but our soul doesn't. People say that our soul begins at conception. IF this is the case...then one GLORIOUS day you will be reunited with those precious children .

I struggle with the idea of God being a judge or in a kingdom.

I believe this is where a lot of people have issues with God and His judgement. I see it in a different perspective so that is not how I see God. I grew up with the perspective of seeing God through Jesus' eyes...as a LOVING Father full of mercy and grace . One thing that really helps me with this is having an "attitude of gratitude"! To ME...everything we have...including our next breath...is a gift from God . Also...things that we DON'T get are gifts as well! I thanked God that our beloved state of Louisiana went through this past hurricane season without a hurricane hitting it...that was a very GREAT gift for sure ! Just seeing a beautiful sunset brings a big THANK YOU from my heart to God . When I see God in that light...His generosity is endless !!

Jesus did warn His Apostles many times about the devil and his evil ways in this world . We do know from Jesus' own words in John 16:33 KJV, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." So...to ME...troubles WILL happen in this world because evil exists here . But THIS world is not our HOME for those of us who believe .

I am a simple Cajun who grew up in a small town that is predominantly Catholic. My view may be vastly different from someone who grew up where you are . But one common thing we Christians can ALL agree on is that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. Jesus doesn't lie...so read what HE says about God. That may help you see how GOOD God really IS...through the eyes of the Person who knows Him BEST .

As I was watching the news this morning, it was disheartening to see some of the latest attacks and deaths that have happened at the hands of very troubled people . On the face of it...it would seem that the devil is winning. But for those of us who believe...we KNOW how the story ends . Jesus Himself assured us in John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Dear Jesus, thank You for your wisdom and foresight in letting us know that this world is not our HOME. As we navigate our way through the pitfalls and stumbling blocks that the devil puts out for us, we keep looking UP and praising You because we know that evil may win the battle but it will not win the war. Thank You for being with us ALWAYS, until the end of the age, to bring us comfort and peace in our time of need as we reach out to You. Resting in Your arms brings unending JOY and HOPE because we can see the world through eyes of LOVE and CARING for our fellow man. Amen.

Evio, thank you for sharing the beautiful story of your twins. I also believe they are a gift. And I’m sorry for your experience when you were a teen what a different world it would be if pregnant teens could be treated differently.

Regarding judgment, I also struggled a bit with this. I will share what I have come to understand, with the caveat that I come to new understandings frequently, sometimes displacing the old understanding but often deepening it. So if I wrote about judgement in a Month or year from now, it would probably be different.

We want a God who hates evil. We want a God who creates and sustains a just and ordered world. We want people who perpetrate evil to be punished. That’s easy to see in a horrible person who exults in their power and pride, but less easy to see in the six year old who looks like they are defending their playground turf. But it’s the same thing. That’s one of the points of the sermon on the mount, the external, accomplished evil and the internal, unacted on but nurtured evil are the same thing. Sometimes the unacted evil is worse because people are applauded for their good behavior and become prideful with twisted interiors.

Jesus took all the sin of the world on himself and willingly accepted the punishment for it, so God could be holy, just, and also merciful and loving. God treated him as if he WERE sin. It is done. The thing that is left for us is to accept it and live believing it is true.

There’s a tension in so many parts of the Bible there something is 100% true and something that looks the opposite is also 100% true. Free will and pre ordination, for instance. They are both completely true. How hard for us to understand! Are we saved when we believe or when Jesus chooses us? Yes to both. How can babies who die before any human ritual (baptism) or conscious choice in following Jesus take place? I have no idea, but I know for myself that God gave me a path that worked for me, so I believe there is a path for everyone.

Please share more of your thoughts! I love hearing about people’s spiritual journeys!

W2BHA, I share your prayer. This is not our home. This is our wilderness, with occasional oasis. May we be able to bring water to more people who are thirsty.

Father, I give thanks for the prayer thread and the people who share their prayers, thoughts, worries, and hopes. Today I pray specifically for Evio and W2BHA, giving thanks for their faithfulness (including doubts) and I pray that more people may join us. I am so grateful for your unending love and guidance.

Hi Evio,

It is such a wonderful thing that you are asking these questions about faith. And clearly, there is a journey for each person as an individual, but I would love to give you some very simple thoughts.

First, it is not about "religion" per se. Religion can just be a tradition or a habit or even something people "do" to feel good about themselves.

It is not about "knowledge", like you need to know a ton of context knowledge. Not to say knowledge is a bad thing, but that is not the key.

The key truly is this....A PERSON.
And providentially, that person is who much of the world celebrated yesterday.

The person of Jesus.

You see, He is not just any person like you and I. He is in fact God, who became man. He decided to do that. And He did it to seek people. He is seeking you specifically.

Now, your job is simply to hear His call. And believe in Him. When I say believe in Him, I DO NOT MEAN simply to believe in Him like you believe some random historian fact is true.

To Believe In Him, means you are actually staking your entire well being and future on Him. On His promises. On His character. On His ability. His accomplishments. Etc.

So....get to know Jesus....personally!!! You do that be reading His word, the Bible. The Bible is not just some random book, it is the book God himself ordained to be given to humanity. He used men to write it, but He orchestrated it.

Know these things below....

Jesus does love you.
He came for you.
He lives perfectly for you.
He died in your place to take your personal sin.
He is calling you to place your trust in Him and follow Him (believe in Him).
He is always with you.
He can hear you pray.
He will answer your prayers.
He forgives.
He gives comfort.
He can heal.
He guides.
He protects.
And so much more.

Here is His word to you...

Matthew 11:28-30 KJV
[28] Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. [29] Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. [30] For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Let me know if you have any questions.
But I am certain, you will find rest in Him. 🙏

Oh, one very important point you really must know, as I saw comment you had about "feeling".

Do NOT base your belief in God on feelings whatsoever. Your feelings cannot be trusted. Sometimes they may be good. Sometimes they may be right. Other times no.

Rest everything in God's word. His word shows you His character. We trust in God's character, not how we feel about it. This is one of the hardest thing I had to learn early in my walk. My feelings were almost always off. They were even contradictory to what I knew and believed. And contradictory to what I even wanted. My feelings were a mess.

Over time, by trusting in God and not my feelings, He started to correct my feelings.

Think about this, from the Bible. God promised Abraham a child when he and his wife Sarah were very old. They did not "feel" like they could still have children. But they trusted His promise (with some times of doubt however).

Anyway....don't rely on feelings. Start making God's word what is real. Not what you feel. ❤️🙏

W2BHA, Pippin and Wood thrush...thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I am continuing to read scripture via the YouVersion app and pray/talk to God despite my doubts and I definitely feel a calmness and a sense of a place to rest and strengthen myself. This is especially poignant as I approach both my wedding anniversary and the anniversary of DD. I am apprehensive of what year 2 holds in terms of healing but feel comforted that faith can help support that healing and provide me strength.

I don't plan to post on SI other than on this thread now as I'm finding myself turning a corner in my healing and I can see a version of myself in the future that is healed and whole and for me that involves forgiveness, grace and compassion for my husband but some of the posts on SI encourage the opposite and I don't want to be detailed by others and find myself triggered.
I'm not sure if any of you found the same to be true of SI?

Hi Evio,

I do understand what you mean. There is definitely a component where reading others accounts can be triggering and almost "pain shopping".

I have asked myself the same questions. In fact I asked my therapist about it also. My therapist was very balanced in her advice. She said that everyone's relationship with the forums or message boards is different. She said some people indeed can get to a point where they need to move on and that staying would be unhelpful. Others have to learn to self regulate and stay involved, but more intermittently. While others still are regulars, becoming knowledgeable helps to the unfortunate multitude of newcomers.

For me, I think at this point it is a balance. I DO love helping people. And my heart aches for these situations. I NEVER had a clue the depths of devastation that people went through when betrayal happened. It just did not register. Sure, I knew it would hurt, but had no clue about the PTSD like effects. Well....now I know. And part of me feels I can't just say away from people who have gone through the same thing I did.

So give yourself grace. And don't hold yourself to any rigid standard regarding the forums. But do keep and eye on yourself.

Regarding your scripture reading. That is wonderful, keep going. But again...read it looking closely for the character of God. Read it trying to know the person of Jesus. Ask Him to reveal Himself. And trust in Him alone for your salvation.

If you have any questions, please feel free always.🙏

Father, this is a time of year that might be especially hard for people having difficulty in relationships. I ask that you surround them with your love, comfort, wisdom and care, especially all the people on SI, and especially Mangled Heart who lost his wife, the wayward mother hen Deeply Scared, at this time of year. I thank you for both of them, for creating and sustaining this community. 1 Thessalonians 5 is the verse I associate with MH! And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas !! We sure did...and even though we traveled around this year...the traffic wasn't all that bad. With it being in the 70's and sunny though...it was actually quite nice to be out and about .

Anyway....don't rely on feelings. Start making God's word what is real. Not what you feel.

I totally agree WoodThrush2 .

I thank you for both of them, for creating and sustaining this community.

AMEN Pippin !

I don't plan to post on SI other than on this thread now as I'm finding myself turning a corner in my healing and I can see a version of myself in the future that is healed and whole and for me that involves forgiveness, grace and compassion for my husband but some of the posts on SI encourage the opposite and I don't want to be detailed by others and find myself triggered.
I'm not sure if any of you found the same to be true of SI?

I can definitely relate to this Evio. You can see it in the Reconciliation Forum how the negative threads get much more posts and attention than the positive threads.

I couldn't understand when I first got on here WHY those who are happily in R don't get on this site and post about it to give others HOPE that a happy R can and DOES happen. I understand it now though . When you are on the other side of infidelity...it is really HARD to come back on here to "pay it forward"...especially when others aren't able to understand that this is even possible. I told myself that I would not be one of those people...if we made it through...I was determined to stay on here and post about being happily in R! Then we DID make it through...and my posts became more and more infrequent .

People heal at different points...and some on here don't have a relationship with God. Words like forgiveness, grace, and compassion won't mean much to a person who hasn't FELT that from their Heavenly Father . I was told several times that in time I would come to see that forgiving my H so early in R was not the best thing to do. For some it isn't...but for ME it worked out really well . I had people who argued with me on several threads...but I also had people who agreed with me . We became friends...and some are now my "family" on here !!! Being on this thread is a good idea for people who are faith filled . But some of my really good friends on here are actually atheists...so they won't come on this thread ! One of the BEST pieces of advice I ever got on here is that you can take what advice works for you...and leave the rest .

Dear Lord, Thank You for guiding us to make it through another year on Earth. As we navigate through this next year, please guide us in the path that You desire for us Dear Lord so that we can continue to do Your will. Thank You Lord for never forsaking us!

W2BHA - I have also made an amazing friend through this site who I talk to almost daily via WhatsApp...she was definitely one of the silver linings to come out of infidelity!

I'm sure I'll dip in and out of the main forums, I just want to avoid pain shopping on the bad days and as I come to the end of year 1 of healing, today's YouVersion plan has helped me accept those bad days with this passage:

'Healing doesn't always look like upward motion. Like a tapestry, it winds and loops up, around, down again. Dark threads besides light ones. Beauty stitches besides brokenness. Some days you feel strong; other days, you're just breathing. That's okay. Healing is not a straight line. It's a sacred spiral'.

Happy new year everyone!

Hi Evio, learning how to use SI wisely at different points in your journey is very smart! I think it is wonderful that you are being thoughtful about how to use it. And keeping space for it to change, you may be able to show up some day in ways for other people that are not possible now. The healing will pay dividends for you, for others you may be able to help, for the community.

Father, thank you for sending Evio an SI friend who she can talk to on WhatsApp. You know that the difference one friend can make is enormous! It was that way for me too, and I am eternally grateful for you sending Maia to me. Please continue to be with her as she heals and learns who you are. Thank you for W2BHA and Woodthrush2. This thread used to be very quiet and I am grateful that there are others here who turn to you for help, share their faith, and pray for the community. For myself, please be with me as I spend time writing out the details of my affair and recovery, to guide me to see the Truth more and more clearly, and to handle it with wisdom, mercy, and justice.