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she really behaved with him as a friend.

I'm sorry my friend, but...

They only had these moments that started and ended with intercourse.

Those moments negate any type of "just friends" claim. This was a full blown affair. Just because they didn't have intercourse every time they met doesn't mean there wasn't an emotional component to it. There is such a thing as an emotional affair, and it can be just as devastating as a full blown physical affair. I think perhaps this is something you might need to come to terms with.

The fact is I have accepted this was an affair. Just I’m full sold she thought honestly she could keep this as a friendship and she actually struggled at first at understanding herself and the situation she was. While talking to her I highlighted some behaviour he had that clearly were ment to keep the affair open and that she mistook for friendship naivities (such as sleeping in the same bes as "friends").

Being tough here, seems like you are just making excuses for her bad behavior. There is no excuse for cheating. It a betrayal of the highest order.

There are other ways to deal with anxiety, whatever she had.

I do believe some people can be friends with opposite sex, and keep it as friends only. Some can't. She cheated, betrayed you.

You say you except it was an affair, good, it was, she chose to cheat, it wasn't an accident. Could be if you don't hold her accountable she may continue, if not with him with someone else.

You're writing a lot about your W and trying to understand her. That is a dead end. You need to start by focusing on yourself and on your thoughts and feelings.

What's going on with you? Happy? sad? Angry? Scared? Ashamed? Wanting? Not wanting? Where are you in this?

"I’m pretty sure that hetero spouses should not have opposite-sex friends. Acquaintances, ok. But not friends.

And if one has cheated, for sure, no more opposite-sex friends for them.

I know it’s not a popular opinion."

This. I think you were invited to the museums, etc. only because it would have been suspicious had you not and they knew you would probably decline so win-win for them

Your wife was enjoying the best of both worlds. She had you at home for Safety and Security and she had him for fun and excitement and validation

Her being sad that he ended all communication is a big slap in your face IMO. She should be terrified that you will divorce her but she's not because she knows/assumes you are not even considering it which gives her the power/control of the relationship

I’m not bit on offering people leeways...
Like I think your wife is truly 100% accountable for her affair, even if she was seeking false validation, has low self-esteem or whatever. Those factors might help understand WHY she did it, and therefore be a factor in helping prevent a repeat. But explaining does not justify.

However...
The OM...
As a rule I say the OP doesn’t really matter.
I’m making an exception in your case.
He had an affair with your wife. He visited your house, accepted you hospitality. Probably had some friendly conversations with you. He slept with your wife.

To me that would be so much disrespect that I would never want anything ever to do with such a person. It’s such a display of power, aggression, ownership...

I think you should make your wife aware of how extreme his behavior is, and how disrespectful she was in inviting this into your home.
Don’t dwell on it – it’s happened, over and hopefully your wife is on the path of reconciliation.
But make it very clear to her how extreme that is. Even beyond "simply" going elsewhere to do the lateral river-dance with him.

I would make it known to him that you despise him and think him the scum of the Earth and you don’t want anything to do with him or his presence ever again. I also think that the other "friends" that went to his place should be out of your life.

Hello. So it's about 40 days since D day and I still feel very bad. I think I've exhausted all the insults I could call my wife with and our days are divided into sex, blank staring and torturing. I had last week off work and all that free time didn't help much. I have no drives (IC and those who know keep telling me to do something with my time and I know they are right) and I'm just depressed. My wife's IC yesterday said to her that since she found her reasons (in 2015/16 when the affair began it was 'cause naivety, immaturìity and the need to find a safe haven while in the two times in the last 3 years it was a matter of "allowing herself to feel what she felt in the beginning with him), I just have to accept them. Or not. But that I cannot expect her to find different ones. if there aren't. The sudden realization that she allowed 3 years ago to cheat on me out of a simple whim wrecked me. If I could understand what was that started it all in 2015, when we both were different people, I cannot do that for these last 3 years because my wife 3 years ago was the same one she is now. And it is really too much to think she could cheat on me again, after all that time, just because she felt like it. My IC suggested a separation period but I find it painful (we both do); her IC on the other  hand says that it's not a good idea to force on ourselves a separation that neither of us is aboard with. My IC also asked me if she realizes how she hurt me and I think she grasps it but really one cannot really know without feeling it first hand. I'd really want her to feel miserable as me, at least for a bit, but there's nothing I could do about it: separation (temporary or definitive) would hurt us both and I'm sick of pain. She says she's changed but she cannot provide any proof of it (the biggest would have been telling me the truth not forced by a panic attack), she says I don't give her time to show her change but in my vision she had 133 months to deal with this issue whilst I had just 1. It's not on me if she wasted 132 sticking her head into the sand and hoping everything would go well. 
As a side note, I succumbed to the impulse to write a mail to the AP (who I remind you all was also a friend of mine, not a mysterious stranger). I ofc kept a rational and normal tone since I didn't want him to antagonize me and demanded just a few answers (such as "how could he think about my wife as just a friend" and also "how could he think that a person so frail, who turned to him as a counsel, who revealed to him all her anxieties and issues, could also shoulder the weight of being a cheater"). It's been a week and he didn't reply and I really don't see why. He's a rational person and I'd really leave him off the hook quickly after receiving some answers since I perfectly know he is not the issue here and I really don't give a shit about him, just need him for answers. That's a lot of reallys...whew. 
Anyways that's the situation as for now. Thanks for any feedback.

I think you are hoping that is magically going to ease up and your pain will subside quickly.

It’s been 40 very hard and difficult days.

And so will the next 40. And the next 40.

As betrayeds we all want the pain to stop. But it takes time unfortunately. You have to go through all the stages and unfortunately it’s hard to face. But if you don’t face it, or try to rug sweep, it only brings up the same issues (and more) further down the road.

Unfortunately your wife cannot hide from this or say "she’s had enough" of answering your questions or talking about the affair. Honestly it could go on for years. And if she’s not all in and accepting that, then you don’t have much to work with.

The affair will always be a part of your life. Understand the cheater mindset. First, they are selfish people who will do whatever suits them best. Second, they never expect to get caught. Lastly, if they do get caught the cheater expects that the betrayed spouse "will get over it" quickly. And they try to hide or minimize the details or truth to avoid the tough discussions or minimize their actions.

Soooo……in your case I don’t have any suggestions about separating or not. But your wife should read the book by Linda MacDonald called "how to help your spouse heal from your affair". You should read it too. It’s an easy read and provides some insight into what to expect.

Second, you CAN decide this is a dealbreaker at some point. Not every person can accept a betrayal and remain happily married. You may try Reconciliation and a year later decide it’s just not working. That is ok and the cheater will just have to accept it.

Lastly as a person who reconciled after a second affair with dday2 and false reconciliation, his kicking me to the curb for the much younger OW, I can tell you that I had no plan to R. I was planning to D him (and he knew that). I basically said yes to R to get him off my back until after the holidays which was my plan to then start D proceedings.

In those 3 weeks my H showed me enough to let me take a pause for 30 days. My IC was very helpful in showing me there was hope. I didn’t lift a finger to help my H during the early months of R because I decided not to. He had to prove to me he changed etc. and that he "got it".

I wasn’t afraid to D him and he knew it.

And that is what made our R have a happy ending. There was no discussion about what I needed or any of that. He either figured it out or I was D him. He was on his own. And he stopped being a typical cheater and blaming me for everything and finally took full responsibility.

Which is something I think your wife needs to do. But that’s just my opinion based on what you have posted here.

I hope this helps you. We’d have a few good days and then not a good day, repeat, repeat and repeat. At the 6 month mark things were better. At the one year mark they were better still. But there would still be some difficult moments that you have to work through.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:55 AM, Friday, January 9th]

IMO, your W's IC is out of touch with reality.

Also, my guess is that you're still in shock and will be for a few more weeks. No one does their best thinking while in shock.

Many therapists believe name-calling does nothing to release pain. Owning your pain and 'sharin' it with your W, instead o name-calling, will give you some relief.

IOW, my reco is to try out saying something like, 'I'm furious that you did _____!' Let your non-verbal communications (stance, tone of voice, facial expression, etc.) show that you're furious.

A lot of anger, grief, fear, and shame have been dumped on you, so don't expect to release that pain quickly. For example, if you're angry and you share it, you'll release that anger, but more anger is like to come back, and you'll have to share it again and again, but eventually you will be done with anger over the A.

The way your W receives your sharing is key evidence of whether or not R is possible. If she listens and takes it in, it's positive for R. If she won't take it in, it's positive for D. She's likely to be defensive at first. My reco is to observe her defensiveness. If it diminishes over the next several weeks, it's positive for R; if it stays strong, it's positive for D.

But IMO it starts with sharing your feelings - actually saying (or shouting) you're angry vs showing you're angry by name-calling. Try it out - if it works for you, you'll be helping yourself heal. If it doesn't work for you, you can try out a different approach or o back to insults.

The point is she was never defensive at all. She bowed her head since d day and nearly never raised it once. I dis hope she had some explenation to justify her actions but it was never me…she just needed an escape from
Herself. She just listens and says she’s sorry, she’s been stupid immature a whore… It is like shooting an easy target. And this behaviour doesn’t help me rationalise the situation.

Friend,nso very sorry fo this terrible betrayal. Please, a normal therapist is often not healthy in these situations. Please find a Betrayal Trauma Therapist. They specialize in this and trust me, it makes a difference.

Does that "Friend"....have a spouse by chance? I don't know if you mentioned that or not? I assume no. That man did you so wrong m, as well as your wife. Your brain will be working on those disrespectful injuries for a long time.

Again, a reason why a Betrayal Trauma Specialist will help. They will guide you to break down all the horrendous details into specific injuries that they are inflicting on you. Then they will give you tools to grieve those injuries.

Jake Porter on YouTube is very helpful.
God is of utmost help, really the only one qualified to help heal such a wound.

So sorry again.

No the AP is a 52 yo single man who never had a stable decent relationahip and was really miserable about it. I’d be sorry for him in other circumstances. My IC is specialized in betrayal trauma fortunately.

The 1stwife if it is not too much to ask, could you share how those 3 weeks made you change your mind? What did you husband do? Only if you are willing to share, of course. I do hope I’m not inappropriate asking, if so just tell me.