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Often I see advice given out here that the BS needs to work on their own healing, and detach from the outcome of the marriage, and to protect themselves.

I honestly don't know what it really means to heal yourself. What exactly does that look like for a BS? What should I be doing, or not doing?

How does one protect yourself when trying to R? I can't control my wife, and she has the ability to do major damage to me in many ways. Financially, emotionally, and physically (via STD's from future or current cheating). I feel naked, and unprotected, and that tends to make me a little paranoid.

How can one partner really heal when the other partner doesn't do the work they need to do to facilitate that? I get how it's possible to heal if one were divorcing, the danger from that person is mostly gone. But when trying to R, you have to continue to be exposed to the person who hurt you, and continue to be attached to them in the many ways marriages causes people to be attached. How can you heal yourself when you need them to do things to help you feel safe again?

Isn't detaching from the marriage the exact opposite of what R is?

In the case of a spouse that is taking their time to "get there", how and when does one know that it's been enough time and they aren't going to get there? Or if one should wait longer to allow them to make the journey? I understand it takes people time to change and that real change has to be genuine, and not forced. In my case I expected much greater progress from my wife after 18 months of individual therapy, but here we are. She is making progress for sure, I see it, it just doesn't match what I had in my head. Am I expecting too much? Too little? Is it just right? How am I supposed to know?

I'm terrified of sweeping this under the rug. How can I know when I'm doing that, verses just looking at the positive and doing my part to help facilitate R? It's not a one sided thing I'm sure. But right now I tend to focus on what she is not doing, and not so much on what she has done and what I should be doing - which is really my responsibility.

I appreciate this. There are a bunch of nuances in this I suppose. I personally don't agree with each individual pursuing healing alone IF THEY ARE PURSUING recovery of the relationship. It is a relational wound and I believe it requires relational healing as the focus.

Sure individual issues will be uncovered through that process that will need to be addressed by the individual. But the focus is on the relationship.

Now if only the betrayed wants to reconcile and the wayward will not do work, well that is different. The betrayed needs to set boundaries for safety. And they will need individual therapy to guide through that.

I think you would be benefited by checking out Jake Porters "Couple Centered Recovery Model". He explains topics surrounding this in detail.

Essentially, healing yourself means being free from the trauma and pain that robs you of your ability to live and enjoy your life that you possessed, or possibly never posessed all your life. It means finding your way to your own acceptance and agency, crossing the ocean of big feelings, settling in a place where you take responsibility for yourself. Hopefully, you will find happiness within your own pages and a lifetime subscription to self respect.

Yeah, so fucking easy.

I find the concept to be elusive in practice and grapple with much the same problems as you. Woodthrush has a take after my own heart, that the injury is relational, and a relational repair would require both parties to be working toward the betrayed parties needs and feelings. Broken hearts want amends. Heart breakers tend to want a free pass. Compromise for either is a hard sell.

Well, you cant make someones heart change. Maybe you can accept them as they are, maybe you can live with less, maybe you can compromise. And maybe you cant. But it doesnt sound like you are getting what you hoped for and needed. As someone in much the same place, I am sorry.

Its sometimes too much to hope that someone who would have it in them to do these things would suddenly find themselves structurally capable of the kind of selflessness it would take to be the partner someone whom this was done to needs them to be. I happen to think it likely a rare thing, to be capable of both. I think a lot of waywards learn what they need to say and try to fake it. Some more successful than others. The lack of remorse comes out sideways, false R.

They are trying to save the relationship, to their credit; but they just arent authentic. The respect isnt real, the remorse isnt real, the love may actually just be need.

But like anything, its not impossible for someone whose heart is actually in the doing. Time tells more, but past results are moderately predictive when it comes to human behavior, unfortunately.

Give yourself all the grace in the world, but make sure you do your part to find your own way out of the pain. Start by choosing yourself in a way that youve denied yourself. For me it was physical health and introspection. Love yourself and allow your feelings to be as they are, and explore them. As they change, you will too. It will take as long as it must. Two years in, Im no further than you.

I hope for you. Bless you.

Theevent -

Isn't detaching from the marriage the exact opposite of what R is?

I think detachment, or the 180 is more of a tool when the WS isn’t working on themselves, or helping you work on the M.

But healing yourself is key, since you’re the only one who can do it. And the more you heal, the healthier you get, the more you can contribute to rebuilding the M you want. Or having the strength you need to let go of the outcome.

Rugsweeping to me is easy to identify — anytime either of you pretend the A didn’t happen or ignore the fallout from it, that’s sweeping it under, and hoping things work out without the work.

Healing myself was processing all of the pain, setting the boundaries I needed in any relationship worthy of my time and recognizing nothing I did forced my spouse to turn away from the M.

If your spouse isn’t doing things to make you feel safe, you’re not in R anyway, and the healing yourself is still important, regardless of how the M turns out.

The concept of letting go of the outcome was a huge help in my understanding the ‘heal yourself’ mantra.

The day I knew I would be great with or without the M was the day I knew I was healed up enough to move forward.

The paranoia, at low levels anyway, is just your brain on alert and protecting you.

You’re right, you can’t control your wife, or anyone else, but you can choose how you respond to adversity, and choose what you need your day-to-day life to be to feel supported and safe.

My wife still isn’t perfect, but she is far kinder and more considerate than ever, and I believe she wants what I want, because she keeps on trying everyday for nearly a decade now.

If you need more, ask for more from your wife.

If she has done some good things, make sure you let her know the good she has done.

Since nothing is guaranteed in any relationship, you work on knowing what your value is and how important your boundaries are — then heal up a bit more.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 6:47 AM, Monday, January 12th]

I see it as something you learn to live with. Like a limp from an accident. I survived it. Adapted and we move forward. My wife has taken great strides forward. But she has said you love me differently now. For me I no longer fear her screwing around. She does it will hurt but I will survive without her. Getting some time away from the intrusive thoughts and panic attacks directly after gives you time to think. And you need to weigh the positive against the negative and ask yourself if you can live with it while living with her. Because if you can't you're just going to be miserable. Your wife made a terrible choice. She did not have your back and cared nothing about your future. This is what she is capable of. Tough truths to come to some peace with. Some people can live with it and live with her. Some people just cannot. You didn't choose to have to make that decision. There is a terrible injustice with infidelity. But it is what it is. If you stay you try to make the best of it. But it is a new marriage and now you can change it to better suit your needs. You can work together to build something that will better suit you both. From dark times comes change. We hate change but maybe it's for the good.

I'm terrified of sweeping this under the rug. How can I know when I'm doing that, verses just looking at the positive and doing my part to help facilitate R? It's not a one sided thing I'm sure. But right now I tend to focus on what she is not doing, and not so much on what she has done and what I should be doing - which is really my responsibility.

Sweeping things under the rug will cause emotions to come back to bite you and tell you to look at the things you hidden there.

Do not ignore them, they are your wake up call.

Healing yourself and Reconcile are 2 separate things.

To heal your wounds you need respite, is you the only doctor, so you must have strong boundaries that prevent anyone from disturbing the healing process.

Reconciliation means accepting to live with the betrayer and give it another chance, that nobody deserves it. It also means "I already paid the highest price for your betrayal. I am willing to keep the knife you stabbed me with lodged in my soul and carry you on with me instead of dumping you as you deserve, because no matter what I still love you."

Reconciliation = a permanent memento of the betrayal that you chose to live with, instead of moving on an forgetting they ever existed. It means what you had is dead, you cannot bring it back to life, you need to start fresh, it is not rebuilding, is a starting over, building a new thing, with the person that destroyed everything you were building before.

And since R requires constructive effort by both sides, if the person who destroyed the relationship before shows signs of being a liability again, you have a huge red flag that they are going to destroy the new relationship you are building as well.

Constructive work means you must focus on what she does, not on the things "she does not do" not the negatives. She puts effort and is present and willing? Good, she is showing you she can regain trust.

She doesn't do damage? Irrelevant. You know she can do it already. She need to show up for both of you to have a R, consistently. Not just avoiding blowing up and be missing for the rest, that is not R is avoidance.

This is a good discussion. After multiple DDays and IC and MC along the way, this time I allowed my IC to be focused on my own upbringing, value system, and codependent tendencies I displayed in my marriage. I learned a lot about myself, but I won't say I feel much "healed." Since we, too, have pursued reconciliation as the goal from the beginning, I never fully bought into the "pursue your own healing" and "getting to a place where you're ok with or without the M." I just couldn't go down that road, and our faith played a role in that, I'm sure.

Reconciliation means accepting to live with the betrayer and give it another chance, that nobody deserves it. It also means "I already paid the highest price for your betrayal. I am willing to keep the knife you stabbed me with lodged in my soul and carry you on with me instead of dumping you as you deserve, because no matter what I still love you."

Man this hits...

Your wife made a terrible choice. She did not have your back and cared nothing about your future. This is what she is capable of. Tough truths to come to some peace with.

This, too...

Here in this boat with you, brother.

[This message edited by Carpenter81 at 2:17 PM, Monday, January 12th]

Since we, too, have pursued reconciliation as the goal from the beginning, I never fully bought into the "pursue your own healing" and "getting to a place where you're ok with or without the M."

Exactly this is the hardest part of all: keeping the path open and allowing yourself the time it takes to discover which of the possible directions will lead you to healing.

At the beginning of this new year, I promised myself not to abandon myself. And that is why I am holding this ambivalence for as long as it takes until I gain clarity for myself (my therapist spoke of at least a year). I wish for reconciliation, but I will not sacrifice myself for it, nor will I accept every compromise. I do not want to spend the rest of my life being miserable just for the sake of staying in this marriage.

I honestly don't know what it really means to heal yourself.

Why just healing? Why not growth?

At the beginning of this new year, I promised myself not to abandon myself. And that is why I am holding this ambivalence for as long as it takes until I gain clarity for myself (my therapist spoke of at least a year). I wish for reconciliation, but I will not sacrifice myself for it, nor will I accept every compromise. I do not want to spend the rest of my life being miserable just for the sake of staying in this marriage.

Marriage is nothing more than a public declaration of the bond existing between 2 lovers. A bond of hearts, bodies, minds and spirit. It is absolute for the rest of your life.

You can "marry" a person without the ceremony, the union must exist as premise, otherwise the ceremony is hollow.
When you do that other sexual partners are simply out of the picture forever.

So what are you exactly "sacrificing yourself for"?

If it makes you miserable you do not have a marriage, you have a facade. It should feel natural, if it does not something is wrong.

Not saying there cannot be Reconciliation, that you wish so is just a sign of how strong and sacred the bond was for you in your heart. Your WS strayed and inflicted a deep cut to the bond and to your soul, he might deeply regret it and try to mend it, as in Reconciliation, but you will feel that as clearly as you felt the pain from the slash of betrayal.

After betrayal the bond is always hanging by a thread, the reformed WS should be the one collecting the pieces and helping to restore it as best as you can.
But If you feel miserable it means it's only you who is holding the thread why he keeps pulling away, and the friction makes your hands bleed.

You need to respect yourself first, at some point you decide how much blood you are ready to spill before letting the last thread snap and close the WS outside your world forever.

For me, healing myself meant several things.

One was learning assertive self-advocacy. Instead of allowing things to be turned around on me to where somehow I thought I "deserved" this (and this was an internal dialogue I had), I had to start standing up and demanding the things I needed to heal.

But I had to do it in a way that did not threaten escalation. So part of my healing of myself was learning how to say very difficult things and making myself understood without being aggressive or vindictive or sarcastic. It’s definitely a work in progress, but I am light years from where I was on dday. At that point, I couldn’t even identify what I needed, nor control what I said.

Another was facing my past trauma. I am a survivor of persistent and severe physical and psychological abuse by my father, and sexual abuse for four years by an older relative. On DDay, those traumas flooded me. My psychological status disintegrated into panic, fear, and uncontrollable crying. It didn’t subside for a long time, and getting help to be able to disclose the sexual abuse to a therapist was something that took time for me to do. And then to finally disclose that to my WH was yet more work. But this was necessary and important work to do.

I can say that the help I got with that has made a huge difference in my inner voice.

Another was standing up for myself, and enforcing my boundaries. I had to make the boundaries very clear and concise, and the process of sorting that out was very good for me.

I did a lot of reading and learning. I worked hard to see in myself the things I needed to change, the things I didn’t like, and then to work toward that self improvement. I have lots to do, but the fact that I am doing it means I am already getting better.

Finally, I had to come to terms with some difficult truths. My marriage wasn’t what I thought it was. My husband could lie without ever seeming to feel guilt. My friends were actually untrustworthy and a threat to my marriage. That I was a fool. And the hardest thing was that I had awakened in another life where the characters are all the same but the storyline was completely different.

I’m still working. From time to time some of these things pop back up again, but I have many more tools in my toolbox to fight back with now.

I must say that I give this process effort most days, but I succumb to the tears at times, too.

I believe that infidelity is always a deal-breaker. When a spouse cheats, they break the deal, effectively ending the marriage. So, let's start with this premise. Your marriage has already ended. It's dead. The first step in healing is mourning the loss of the marriage. Your relationship with your WS has been profoundly, fundamentally and permanently altered.

When a WS cheats, they have already detached from their spouse and their marriage. I think most WS know that when their BS finds out about their affair, there is a high probability that they will divorce them. They may not give these fears the appropriate amount of rational consideration, but it's there, compartmentalized, in the back of their minds. How could it not be?

It seems to me that few BS ever consider this. And I think it's perfectly natural. We're so overwhelmed by the sheer shock and trauma that we simply cannot think rationally.

The first phase of grief is denial. It's so very difficult to accept that our marriage is over because we didn't have a say in it's demise. We weren't asked, we weren't consulted or advised. There was, often enough, no warning at all. Only the sudden and devastating truth the deal has been broken.

Too many betrayed spouses jump at the notion of reconciliation without ever considering just what that entails. We are so desperate to hold our marriage together, to keep our families together, that we tie our happiness and well-being to the outcome of a process of which we are uncertain and clueless. It becomes our first priority, which is understandable, and a tragic error.

Few WS are willing and able to do the tremendous amount of work that R requires. That work takes time. It takes years of deep introspection, therapy, and commitment. It's extremely difficult. That work must be motivated by an earnest desire to change, grow, and become a better version of themselves. It cannot be done to pacify or mollify their betrayed spouse. It must come from within.

As a betrayed spouse, we cannot possibly determine whether or not our WS is truly willing and able to own and fix their shit for at least a couple of years.

What do we do in the meantime? Sit around and wait, cling to hope?

This is why detaching from your WS is so critically important.

I have seen far too many BS give their WS chance after chance, unwarranted grace, clinging to hopium, while it tears them apart. They tie their own happiness and well-being to the successful outcome of R, believing it's the only way forward.

It's happening right now, all across these boards. One doesn't have to look very hard to see BS wallowing in misery and desperation.

Many veteran members, including those for whom I have tremendous love and respect, will say that the 180 has no place in R. However, I thoroughly disagree. I believe that every BS who has offered their WS the gift of reconciliation must accept the possibility that their efforts will fail. It is imperative, I believe, to prepare for the worst... mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Without that preparation, we leave ourselves exposed to further abuse and harm, to further trauma, which can, and does, lead to chronic post-traumatic stress disorder.

Detaching allows a BS to find their own way forward, to recover and heal on their own. Even the most committed WS, doing all they can to help their BS to heal, doing their absolute best to own and fix their shit, cannot do the work that healing requires. That work falls solely upon the BS.

What does healing look like?

First and foremost, it requires accepting that healing is a choice we must make for ourselves, independent of our WS.

A good therapist can help. Just as with a good candidate for R, it is only help. The greatest therapist in the world cannot heal us; they can only guide the work we do for ourselves.

Healing involves purging ourselves of the pain, the sorrow, the anger and anxiety. It involves feeling the feels.

Let that pain wash over you. Accept it. Own it. Embrace it. Then kick its ass. Know that the pain will eventually dimish, only because you've exercised it out of your body.

Breathe. Meditate. Journal. Talk about it. Focus yourself on your ability to heal from that pain.

It's the same with the sorrow and anger. Weep until you can weep no more. Rage until you can rage no more. Accept it. Own it. Embrace it. Then kick its ass.

It's the same with the anxiety. Contempt it. Breathe. Meditate upon it. Know that despite all of your fears, all of the uncertainty, that you will find your own peace.

Detaching takes away the power you have granted to your WS to continue to abuse and harm you. Detaching allows you to take full ownership of your own happiness and well-being. Detaching says I am a lion and you will hear me roar. Detaching allows you to know that despite what may come, you know you are safe, because damaged people are dangerous; they know they can survive.

Detaching allows you to set the terms and conditions of reconciliation. It allows you to decide when, and if, your WS will be allowed back into your heart. It gives you the power and freedom to set and enforce reasonable boundaries, what you will or will not accept moving forward.

Detaching gives you the necessary independence to heal yourself.

You can attach again. You can choose to love again. On your terms. You can decide for yourself whether or not your WS has done the work required for R.

Watch and observe your WS. Study them. Question them. Judge them. Oh yes. I used the word judge, for when it comes to reconciliation, your judgement is critical. To trust someone who betrayed you requires careful, critical, scrupulous consideration. To love someone requires trust and respect.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 9:28 PM, Monday, January 12th]

More on healing the BS, although there's really much more than can be put into a web post:

1) Feel the feelings, as awful as they may be. Letting them flow through your body gets them out of your body. This is slow work, but very rewarding. A good IC can help and is probably necessary for some people. I know it took therapy for me to get comfortable with feelings, so it was necessary for me.

2) Be scrupulously honest with yourself and your WS. Do you really want to choose ___? What are your requirements for R, if you think you might want R? What do you like/don't like about yourself and your WS? Is your desire to D a desire to run away from a problem? What are you actually perceiving in your WS - remorse/contrition or good acting?

3) Courage is essential. Raise issues with yourself as you become aware of them. Decide what you're willing to do to resolve each issue. If an issue touches on your WS, bring it up with your WS. The issues you're afraid to bring up are the issues you must bring up if you want to R. If you fear an answer to a question, that's a question you must ask, if you want to R.

4) Give up trying to control the outcome of your relationship. R is worthwhile only if you're good matches for each other, so look for evidence that you are or are not good matches.

5) Patience is essential. Maybe you can arrive at a resolution quickly - if your WS leaves, D is likely to be a good choice. But even when the WS leaves, the answer may take some time to find. In any case, if you and your partner choose R, you can't know how successful you'll be for at least 2 years and probably longer. I'll add: you're probably dealing with a decision that will affect decades of your life. That being the case, my reco is to go for an optimal resolution, not just a quick one.

*****

You protect yourself by going step by step. Life is a lot better if you can be vulnerable to someone - you probably picked your W because you thought you could be vulnerable with her without endangering yourself. But go slowly in letting yourself be vulnerable again.

Test your WS by giving her opportunities to disappoint you and monitor the results. Too much disappointment - and only you can define 'too much' here - is positive for D, and you'll know not to be vulnerable with her while in the D process. OTOH, if you like the ways your W handles the opportunities, it's positive for R, and you'll know your best bet is to increase your vulnerability to test her further.

Eventually, the testing will allow you to determine how reliable your W is likely to be in the future, and you'll both know if you both want to spend the rest of your life together or not.

*****

One partner can heal without the other partner because each of us is an individual with our own strengths. One of those strengths is that we cand and must control ourselves.

Each of us is the only person who can do healing work for ourselves. One can support another in their healing work, but one can't do the other's healing work. Two grief-stricken people can help each other process their grief, but person A has person A's grief.

The thing is: both partners need to do a good deal of healing for R to work. One partner can heal even if the other doesn't, but that probably precludes R as SI means Reconciliation. (To be explicit, staying together without resolving core issues isn't all that attractive to me.)

*****

It's your life. You get to decide when to throw in the towel. You get to set your criteria for victory. You can post here or work with friends or therapists to decide how accurately you're perceiving your life. But you have to decide for yourself.

So here's another requirement for healing: have some faith in yourself. If you feel weak, know that you've got strengths you haven't discovered yet. You probably have strengths you've forgotten you have. A lot of responsibility has been dumped on you, but if you take it bit by bit, you'll do fine.

*****

IMO - in my opinion - R requires both individual healing and relational healing, and IMO individual healing needs to take hold before relational healing can get much beyond the starting line.

I believe a BS is not ready to commit to R (or D, for that matter) until after starting to rebuild their sense of self-worth. Neither partner can really present themself as good partnership material unless they believe they're at least minimally loving, lovable, and capable, and the WS needs to add 'redeemable' to that list.

The problem is that both partners tend to be shattered on and after d-day. It seems to take months for the WS to get to remorse, even though a WS may take remorseful steps on d-day. It's likely to take months for the BS to start feeling like a worthwhile human being again.

IMO, the BS's healing from being betrayed requires processing the anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. out of the BS's body. The problem is the BS will also have to process, to some extent, residual feelings from every other trauma the BS experienced. Even more difficult is that the BS will need to get through all sorts of resistance to processing the feelings.

IMO, the BS's healing - processing the feelings - will probably require changing self-talk from attack-self to nurture-self, and that is very hard work for most of us. For example: I believe the feeling of shame/humiliation that so many BSes report comes from self-talk. I further believe the best - and possibly only - way out of that sense of being humiliated/shamed is to replace that self-talk with something like, 'I have nothing to be ashamed of WRT my WS's infidelity, and my WS humiliated themself.'

Some BSes can maintain decent self-esteem after d-day, but most new BSes report they do not feel at all good about themselves. IMO, that means they are far from knowing what their optimal solution will be.

So relational healing is necessary to R, but IMO it won't happen without individual healing by both partners.