Since I kicked the wasp nest I start with myself, the first thing and emotions that comes to my mind.
Before my partner betrayed me I was deeply connected to her, we had long distance relationship but I felt since the moment we met, she is the love of my life.
She has low self worth issues, we were extremely intimate to an emotional level I never experienced in my life. Because I was closed and traumatized myself, I felt I would always be walled to the other gender and gave up of finding a true connection early in my life.
She knocked those walls to dust. Her low self worth made me feel deep fear of loss. She feared she was inadequate and at some point I would realize it and move on. I feared her afraidness would make her flee. I was terrified of not having her in my life.
In the beginning I was able to elevate her, make her self confident, feeling beautiful, fulfilled. But she was co-dependant on me for her self worth validation, she was not doing her own work.
Did not understand this, but I "felt it". My own insecurities and fears made pick the other route. I became safe, available, agreeable, apologetic. I dulled my edge to make her feel superior to me, and it worked initially, her fears of me leaving her started to fade. But it also started to slowly kill her attraction.
The problem with low self worth is the validation you give it is only temporary. The problem with lowering your self worth in a relationship is your partner will resent it at some point, your own self will feel shame for backtracking instead of growing, your nerve system will start to believe your worth is truly lower, their contempt will reinforce this, you spiral.
And the validation being temporary, demands further hits of validation from perceived "higher value partners". So once she felt my worth fading her feeling were no longer of uplifting because her low self worth was resurfacing. And my validation was no longer enough. Because I became "low value".
So she looked for validation outside, had an affair, replaced me, and that completely destroyed me. (It was the tombstone on the spiral I myself started out of love for her. And I was complicit into it)
It lasted only few months, she came back, but the damage was done: I established myself inside as "low value", and she came back
full of regret feeling even "lower worth" because of the betrayal, and because once replace she realized quickly what she gave up for this OM.
So again the pattern restarted, we R, I was deeply hurt and tried to establish my boundaries, but they were never true, because they were just an echo, a shadow of my now dead old confidence and self respect (I could fake it, but my identity was now the one of unlovable, discarded, low value man, not the "cool guy" she fell in love with and was proud of, so the charade was doomed from the start).
What did I feel during?
I "felt the affair" the very night it happened. We were 1600 km away, different countries. I still felt it, like something takes a dive in your chest and stomach. I lived the weeks before I met her, confronted and broke up, in a state of cognitive dissonance and denial.
You have a voice screaming inside you with desperation the truth. Your mind fights it with all itself to deny she could ever do such thing, especially to you.
That's what then set me up to develop PTSD on DDay #1.
What did I feel for her after the first R?
it was a mix of emotions.
- Initially relief, even joy, but mixed with pain and nostalgia for her coming back.
- Deep anger, murderous rage, hate. On her at first, then it moved on the OM, because I could not look or think of her without the rage. Because I needed to direct it at someone and at the same time it could not coexist with the love I genuinely still feel for her. She still needed to be my innocent girl, not the dirty one. So I projected it. Then it turned inward towards myself, because I knew deep down it was her choice. It eaten me alive for years.
- I detached from my emotions of the betrayal to be in a relationship with her. They were all there, but I compartmentalized so the storm was hitting me alone, and she was in the safe box, where no mention or memory of the betrayal should ever taint her.
- But in intimacy all came back. Everytime we were sexually intimate I felt dirty, her body belonged to the OM, it was a battle between love and desire and disgust, no matter how I tried, I could smell the OM on her and wanted it to finish as quick as possible. I felt sick, disgusted, needing to vomit, then guilty for feeling this to her and ashamed of myself for desiring and loving her at the same time. There was the connection, but was forever tainted with the betrayal and I could not force me to tell her. She was happy. All while I started sinking alone in the abyss again.
- Silence breed secret, resentment, humiliation, nourished the pain, the joy from R begun to leave room to those emotions, and I quieted them, took most of my focus and energy. Because I was truly grateful to have her in my life again. But I could not forgive myself for what I felt. All negative emotions and intrusive thoughts started to be addressed against myself once more.
- I felt we Red but my soul was lost forever and could not breathe. So I kept silent
It's a preview of memories and emotions, in freeform, feel free to ask if you feel like.
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 12:09 PM, Monday, January 12th]
